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Archive for Potty Humor

Can You Spare a Square?

It has been brought to my attention that Sheryl Crow recently urged the public to use only one square of toilet paper when they drop a deuce. Well, Ms. Crow, I know you are trying to be a humanitarian by promoting eco-friendly ideas, but you’re an idiot. As you may well know, there are all types of shits: wet, dry, smelly, enjoyable, read-an-entire-magazine, explosive, et. al. If you are trying to tell me that one square of toilet paper is going to be sufficient to wipe myself, you are insane.

Sheryl Crow

I also know, Ms. Crow, that you probably think you are an expert on the subject. You’ve been effectively shitting for your entire life (I presume—though maybe in your wild youth you got a little too experimental and had a hospital trip or two), but you really make you’re money telling people to soak up the sun, and through other shitty songs that I can’t even remember. (“Shitty songs.” Oh, the irony.) You use your vocal chords for profit. Music is your specialty. Stick with it.

Maybe your problem is remembering your ex-boyfriend, Lance Armstrong, who was so in shape he probably was only in the bathroom for thirty seconds at a time. I really can’t tell what you’re motives are here. Do you legitimately want me to hate you?

Her “one square” sentiments remind me of that old Seinfeld episode where Elaine Benes is in a bathroom stall and finds, after relieving herself, that there isn’t any TP. What she does is try to convince her stall neighbor: “Can you spare a square?” but the stranger just leaves and Elaine is stuck in an uncomfortable position.

What I say to you, dear reader, is this: Should celebrities have press coverage over mundane things that they have no right talking about in the first place? Should Sheryl Crow grow some cajones and hold her tongue? Should Fox and TBS show any more Seinfeld episodes? If I reference another, I will be angry with myself. It’s been off the air for about ten years.

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