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Archive for Good v. Evil

Sting is Promoting Illegal Activity

There’s a song out there that I can almost guarantee you’ve heard. It goes:

Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take
I’ll be watching you

Which is kind of strange, because it makes it seem like the singer is omniscient. I mean, who has time to watch every breath or movement someone makes?

Every single day
Every word you say
Every game you play
Every night you stay
I’ll be watching you

Oh can’t you see
You belong to me
How my poor heart aches with every step you take

Okay, now here we go. The singer is smitten with this person. (No offense to Sting, but he never explicitly says that he’s watching a woman, so I assume he’s referring to a vague, non-descriptive store mannequin.) He takes time to watch his/her/it’s every second on Earth—plus he says that that person belongs to him. Um ownership of a person? Sting you’re crazy.

Since you’ve gone I’ve been lost without a trace
I dream at night I can only see your face
I look around but it’s you I can’t replace
I feel so cold and I long for your embrace
I keep crying baby, baby please

Then a sudden shift occurs. It’s actually the only shift in the song. I assume the first two stanzas are repeated so much because it signifies all the monotonous days where Sting used his binoculars to stakeout this person’s home/storefront. He seems particularly distressed when this Third Act comes along. I assume this person discovered his mobile surveillance unit and ran away or eventually had their arm fall off and was thrown unceremoniously into a dumpster. I guess we’ll never know.

As you can see, “Every Step You Take,” is a song about stalking. If you ever found yourself enjoying this song, you are a sick freak and should be put in jail. I may even do it myself.

Can You Spare a Square?

It has been brought to my attention that Sheryl Crow recently urged the public to use only one square of toilet paper when they drop a deuce. Well, Ms. Crow, I know you are trying to be a humanitarian by promoting eco-friendly ideas, but you’re an idiot. As you may well know, there are all types of shits: wet, dry, smelly, enjoyable, read-an-entire-magazine, explosive, et. al. If you are trying to tell me that one square of toilet paper is going to be sufficient to wipe myself, you are insane.

Sheryl Crow

I also know, Ms. Crow, that you probably think you are an expert on the subject. You’ve been effectively shitting for your entire life (I presume—though maybe in your wild youth you got a little too experimental and had a hospital trip or two), but you really make you’re money telling people to soak up the sun, and through other shitty songs that I can’t even remember. (“Shitty songs.” Oh, the irony.) You use your vocal chords for profit. Music is your specialty. Stick with it.

Maybe your problem is remembering your ex-boyfriend, Lance Armstrong, who was so in shape he probably was only in the bathroom for thirty seconds at a time. I really can’t tell what you’re motives are here. Do you legitimately want me to hate you?

Her “one square” sentiments remind me of that old Seinfeld episode where Elaine Benes is in a bathroom stall and finds, after relieving herself, that there isn’t any TP. What she does is try to convince her stall neighbor: “Can you spare a square?” but the stranger just leaves and Elaine is stuck in an uncomfortable position.

What I say to you, dear reader, is this: Should celebrities have press coverage over mundane things that they have no right talking about in the first place? Should Sheryl Crow grow some cajones and hold her tongue? Should Fox and TBS show any more Seinfeld episodes? If I reference another, I will be angry with myself. It’s been off the air for about ten years.